Joint Custody: 10 Strategies for Co-Parenting

with an Uncooperative Ex

Executive Sumary about joint custody by Karen Alonge

Almost six years ago, when the father of my children and I divorced, we wholeheartedly agreed to share joint custody of our two children, who were 3 and 6 years old at that time.

During our nine years of marriage, we had never argued about parenting philosophies or values. I saw no indication that parenting after divorce would be any different.

I only forgot to allow for one variable in my lovely scenario. I assumed that my kid’s dad would want to participate in this optimal arrangement.

There would be no philosophical ‘meeting of the minds’ about parenting. He would parent our children as he saw fit on his time, and was not interested in my opinions or input.

I was horrified to think that our kids were going to be raised in two homes with no overlap. I had envisioned co-parenting as a bigger happy family spread out over two homes. Instead I faced the reality of parallel parenting-two separate worlds with no intersection except in a parking lot at exchange time.

My kids have adjusted better than I could ever have imagined. Their worlds have expanded immeasurably-they have two new stepparents, and large extended families. They have stretched their minds and hearts in order to accommodate the wildly diverse values held by those they dearly love.

They’ve learned how to discern what works best for them from a variety of options.

I’m writing this article to reassure those of you who have less than ideal co-parenting situations that there are things you can do in only one home (yours) that can make life better for your kids, and for you.

Here are some of my road-tested tidbits of advice:

1) Be available. Save your shopping, errands, etc. for the times they are not with you. My kids usually join me for a snack at the kitchen table for about an hour, during which they unload their stories, complaints, news updates, school projects, etc. Give them time to re-calibrate to the rhythm of your home before you expect them to jump into chores or homework.

Of course, in order to be truly available for your kids, you need to:

Get regular exercise.
Spend time with a good friend or therapist who can listen without judgment to all your feelings. Work through your anger and pain. Eat well. Don’t sacrifice your health or sanity thinking it’s noble or necessary for the good of the kids.

Just like they say on the airplane regarding the oxygen masks, secure your own lifeline before helping your child.

2) Do not judge the other parent within earshot of your children. Your ex lives forever inside your children’s DNA. If you speak condescendingly about their other parent in any way, your child feels insulted. I have a ‘no comment’ policy on what happens at their other house. ‘Hmmm, sounds like you might be feeling disappointed about that situation.’

You’ll need a neutral and nonjudgmental answer. Show the kids how even when there’s nothing wrong with either the pot or the lid, not all of them fit together. “Mommy and Daddy just didn’t fit together in a happy way anymore.”

3) Do not judge your children’s feelings. Just listen. One day my son came home extremely angry about something that had happened at his dad’s. Just listen.

4) Teach your child to solve his/her own problems. In that idyllic world of healthy co-parenting, you can hold a family meeting with all of you present to address any problems. For those of us in the adequate but not ideal world of parallel parenting, that’s not an option.

Instead, I’ve helped my kids to learn effective communication and problem solving strategies, and we practice them in our home.

After reflecting back their feelings, I encourage them to speak directly to their father.

5) Buy doubles. Now on exchange days, the kids have a choice. They can wear the cheapie clothes, and not have to worry about remembering to bring them back, or they can wear their good clothes, and the prospect of wearing the goodwill ones when they return helps them remember to bring them back. Problem solved!

6) Don’t use your kids as messengers, or ask them to speak for you or their other parent. Of course you can listen if the kids want to tell you something, but don’t pry.

Don’t wonder out loud what Dad was thinking when he took them to McDonald’s for both breakfast and lunch. Don’t ask if Mom’s boyfriend went to Water World last weekend, too. If you really want to know, ask your ex and leave your child out of it. Kids hate being asked to spy for you. (a little sidenote here: don’t ask your kids to keep secrets from the other parent. If there’s something you don’t want the other parent to know about your life, simply do not tell the children about it.)

Develop a direct channel of communication between the parents. Some parents send a communication notebook or folder back and forth in one of the kids’ backpacks.

It’s important that you give the other parent the opportunity and responsibility to speak for themselves with their children. Don’t run interference. Don’t defend or protect the other parent from the true consequences of their actions. The sooner your child faces the reality of who their parent is, the sooner they can get about their business of forgiving them and making whatever adjustments need to be made.

7) Free your children to love both of you without reservation or fear. And any new partners, as well. Please, do whatever internal and emotional work you need to do so that you are not threatened by your child’s love for your ex or stepparent. Show your child how a candle can share its flame to ignite other fires without losing any of its own light. Love is infinite-it cannot be diminished by sharing it with others.

Be a storehouse of happy family history. If it is true, your child will love hearing that she was conceived in love, or that Mommy and Daddy were so happy when he was born. Kids with co-parents probably get to see them engaging in peaceful and productive, sometimes even warm, interactions. My daughter was only three when we divorced, and has no memory of her dad and I being happy together. So I gathered some pictures of good times that included various permutations of her family forest (*it’s bigger than a tree - this concept came from a book in the resource list below), and I hung them in a big collage frame in her room. Little, everyday kinds of stories, to fill in the blank places in her memory with joy.

Child Custody - Joint Custody and the Best Interest of the Child Standard

Executive Sumary about joint custody by Steven Carlson

Moreover, the law regarding child custody varies from state to state leaving no uniform legal position regarding what is in the best interest of the child. Some states have a preference and presumption towards joint custody while others do not. Some states are amending its law to adopt a preference and presumption for joint custody while others are amending its law to allow joint custody only when the parents agree to it.

Like most states the standard for child custody determination in California is the overall best interest of the child such that it assures the “health, safety, and welfare” of the child and “frequent and continuing contact” with both parents. However, California does not establish a preference or a presumption for or against joint custody or custody to one parent and therefore leaves the parenting plan decision up to the discretion of the family court or a judge. In 1979, California adopted a presumption for joint custody, but later amended the law in 1994 to allow joint custody only when the parents agreed to it. In a few other states, joint custody is not specifically authorized.

If you are involved in a child custody dispute, whether it is the initial child custody determination or a child custody modification, you would be wise to consult a family law attorney in your jurisdiction to help you learn what the law and standard for custody determinations is in your area and how it applies to your specific situation.

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Categories : Parent